pandp
the pit
guess i sort of fell in a hole. a big dark self-doubt hole.
it happens. unfortunately, more often than i'd like. wish i could say
it happens less and less, but that would be a lie.
having a hard time scrambling out of it too. not quite sure why. so
many variables. so many excuses. so many explanations.
the biggest piece of course, is the usual. fear.
fear of losing it again. fear of not being up to the task. fear of
complete insanity. and then the deep dark heavy depression that follows
after a close call. a near miss. a panic of the inevitable.
seems these days sometimes it is as if life itself makes me freeze.
stop. just stop. just stop and wait and hold on for it all to pass
over.
something happens to shake up my tiny world and i start to think . . .
here we go. it's coming on. another attack. and i just stop. and grip.
and hold. and squeeze my eyes shut and wait for it to pass. all the
while, feeling very . . . cowardly and afraid. avoiding life. avoiding
everything.
getting a sort of promotion at work but feel like i probably should be
losing my job. surely they aren't going to keep me there. i'm starting
to get lazy. it's been too quiet and i've become nervous, trying to
keep my little paralegal trainee apprentice wannabe busy. and then we
just degenerate into talking. too much talking. it's all too much. and
now and now they're going to make me office manager. keeping track of
stuff i know nothing about. they say they trust me. want to make me
more integral part of the firm. still a paralegal. still managing my
big case. and this is a compliment. everybody says so. but i am only
scared. afraid of going nuts. afraid of more responsibility. afraid
i'll just let them down somehow, in the long run. afraid of dealing
with all the personalities. afraid they won't all like me anymore.
and it is as if i lack any sense of discipline. can't concentrate. not
working out much. not taking care of things i need to be. just not.
just . . . not.
frozen. in place. waiting. dying slowly. in fear.
fear of being.
and the pendulum
oooh got a soft black cat purring on my chest.
snuggling in looking out the frosty window at bare tree limbs outlined
in white snow icing. lap top in lap. warm tea.
something about winter, the wrapping in blankets by the fire, candle
glow on late november afternoons, this gentle friendly thick sweater
time of settling in and hearing life breathe close in close up, tucked
away, remembering other times and mind murmurs of past memories and
fondnesses and chunks of nostalgia float by in dreams. maybe even
re-dreaming re-working of previous dreams in recreated landscapes that
shape themselves into a series of related emotional events as the
autumnal opening between the worlds closes, trapping traveling spirits
in the long shadows to live among us until spring.
the cats get along better and worse in the long dark months with
limited outside access. they snuggle in around together somewhat,
sharing some body heat. but they also squabble a bit, rough house too
much, stuck in without proper exercise and fresh air, they get thick
and slow and sleepy. and grouchy. and when i let them out into the
crisp cold below freezing thin iced ground they zip around the backyard
moving moving keeping up a pace pausing to sit under a car or a
lawnchair and then running back inside the house to dance by the gas
heater and rub against the stove in the kitchen between my legs and
then out real quick to scratch and stretch on a tree and scramble up
the bark. and it goes like this dashing out and scooting in to warm
their toes and out again. scatter warm repeat.
and a piece of peanut butter and honey on toast.
there's a lot to be said for a certain amount of sensory comfort,
reasons to feel glad and grateful. life is pretty simple really. these
things we perceive as stress are merely only that. perceptions. just
reactions to illusions of importance and permanent life altering pieces
of reality. little self created cliff hangers.
for it is not the things that happen to us but how we deal with them
that matters. that was the loudest clearest dharma message ever
yesterday.
the empirical shared and acknowledged world of objects and weather and
human interaction and communication within an organic ephemeral dance
of life and death. and then there is the processing of this information
and the focus of perception. what it all means. this is the reality
that we create. what is done with the desire to create some sort of
sense of the sensory experience of life. suffering and the awareness of
same. a view of what is that is unique and chosen consciously and
unconsciously in varying levels of acknowledgment.
or not. shared or created individually. out there or in here. or both.
a combination. both and. either and or and neither and nor.
the elephant trunk or the piece of rope.
the illusion lies in the mechanism for self importance that drives the
ability to separate and individuate our experience into just so many
perceptions and points of view.
for all of it is real. reflected back, all of it is illusion. like
watching the colors of the room shining on the surface of soap bubbles.
imagination fills it all in. this is where volition lies. in
creativity.
creating reality is not about the denial of suffering. it is the
awareness of freedom of expression, freedom of interpretation, freedom
of the moment to allow for conscious realization.
it's all in the focus.
and this moment. suspended. and held. grasped. sensed in the vibration
of the in breath and out breath. clouds and blue sky. sun and snow.
warm fire and icy backsteps. frozen leaves.
and i do like my job and i like everybody there. and they all come to
see me, they all come back to my office to talk to me. i have chocolate
in my desk drawer. and the attorney i work for wears yellow bowties
with butterflies on them. how cool is that? and it's OK if i'm to be
office manager as well as paralegal. it's OK because i will be able to
deal with it all somehow and if i do happen to go nuts at least it's in
a pleasant environment doing good work and being useful and helpful and
it's all good. it's all good.
and my warm black cat has moved down to nestle in on my feet on the rug
under the blanket and there's a little sun coming out and it's
time to shift the clothes into the dryer and sweep the floor and make
some chili.
and this is it.
and it is beautiful.
"Promise me,
promise me this day,
promise me now,
while the sun is overhead
exactly at the zenith,
promise me:
Even as they strike you down
with a mountain of hatred and violence; even as they
step on you and
crush you like a worm, even as they dismember and
disembowel you,
remember, brother, remember: man is not your enemy.
The only thing worthy of you is compassion --
invincible, limitless,
unconditional. Hatred will never let you face the
beast in man.
One day, when you face this beast alone, with your
courage intact, your
eyes kind, untroubled (even as no one sees them),
out of your smile will
bloom a flower.
And those who love you
will behold you
across ten thousand worlds of
birth and dying.
Alone again,
I will go on with bent head,
knowing that love has become eternal.
On the long, rough road,
the sun and the moon
will continue to shine."
~Thich Nhat Hanh
From the book, "Being Peace," published by Parallax
Press.
