life is messy and survival is essential at times and work has been unbelievable. completely slammed up against a wall with deadlines and disclosures and documents. not to mention still dealing with most of the office administration stuff as well, even though back being a full time paralegal with a good 18 cases on the docket currently and short a receptionist. still. oh the horror.

well be that as it may, the one we hired to replace the previous, well she was just not coping. it was all about her attitude, mainly.

whereas most of the staff at the office are pretty much a how-can-i-help-you-out sort, she was more of a now-what-do-you-want sort.

and so some more interviews down and can see that while i like to believe myself to be a good judge of character and possibly did maybe see it coming ultimately, but but it’s just that they all seem so desperate and in need of a job and they look at me and say please like me please like me please give me a chance and i have to say yes yes we love you you’re wonderful i can see that and heck i mean honestly it’s reception not brain surgery or rocket science you know and they’re all so eager and just can’t stop myself from saying sure honey it’s ok we’re going to take care of you make sure you get health insurance we like you it’s ok you can do it.

so guess i kind of messed up on that one. it’s a business not a charity and so on and so forth. oh whatever. live and learn. she could have worked out if she’d tried. maybe. well anyway. so i was wrong. it happens.

so now we’re going with a legal staffing agency this time around. still have had to interview and actually encountered an absolute no during that process. intelligent and professional, and all of that right stuff, but we looked at each other and felt an immediate gut reaction of collision course ahead if chosen. they were a bit shocked in the office since i seem to want to collect all the strays that apply, but that one was a clear cut no way uh-uh nope nada not going there buh-bye.

but we did have one very sweet and friendly one and we all just fell in love with her. luckily. that is everybody else did too and not just me, so there is was just plain and simple. hopefully she’s going to work out. we shall see, we shall see. she starts in a week.

and just do not have the time for this stuff right now just can not cope just have too much going on right now. one case with about 13 or so individual plaintiffs in a big horrible mess from a great disaster that took out their homes and cars and pets and yards and everything and it is blowing up in my face right now with a million supplementary disclosures everyday as they send me in each receipt for a backhoe or paneling or a bathtub and copper tubing or tiling or pouring a concrete slab or medical bills or their tax returns or the latest appraisal or their tax assessments or call me to cry due to the stress and now it’s coming up for a big deadline and have to get all their individual claims sort of put together in some of semblance of organization. it’s really like having 13 separate big messy cases in litigation all filed simultaneously with the same deadlines. it could almost be a full time job in itself right now.

oh but i have many other cases filed and scared to death i could let something else slip through the cracks. have to shift into high hyper responsibility mode, which although it may come naturally, can only go for so many days on high adrenalin without suffering some significant side effects.

must remember to breathe. must keep it all together. must let it go. must let it happen as it does. must not try to control everything. do my best. do my work. do what i can and try to let go so i can sleep and get up and start over the next day.

one thing learned about this big one though, is that it's all about the attitude. and the sense of what is valuable and real in life.

see, doing plaintiffs’ work, deal with lots of injured people. horribly. sadly. hopelessly. terminally ill, poisoned, hurt, mangled, all sorts of disasters and crime victims and scam victims and they all need some help. they all have been hurt.

and this bunch is a close up view into something else.

that is, some of them, they just plain lost it all. house, barn, yard, gate, truck, cats, absolutely everything and all their acres burned to a crispy crunch.

then, there are some of them who only lost some land and/or trees. some lost a couple outbuildings. some were only renting, lost all their personal belongings, no insurance, everything gone. that’s it. some were there, suffered from the trauma and the stress and the fear and the packing and attempts to collect animals in an emergency evacuation, and some were on vacation or simply living in another state only had a bit of mountain property or whatever.

but see, the thing is, some of the people who lost everything, they have just this amazing resiliency about them. as if they have been cleansed. they glow with a kind of knowing and compassion and awareness. they have patience.

they see through everything somehow, as if they are only looking at the world around them as a ratty filmy piece of shredded tissue frayed at the edges, and they know better. they can see through it now.

and they know and appreciate kindness. they have experienced generosity in the midst of great adversity. they are starting completely over, dealing with everything, living in hotels and camping out in trailers and tents and scrambling through all of it to rebuild and re-make themselves somehow and they have this very sacred, kind, patient way about them.

of course, it’s not a process of becoming i would wish on anyone. ever. and this is much later, and didn’t have to see them during the trauma, and what that must have been. so terrifying the things we must do in a crisis and just can’t quite imagine the sort of pain they must have endured and the loss and the scars that do not heal and the nightmares they still have at night.

yet still i see them as though they have passed through to some sort of walking over the coals. waht it means to lose everything. they are thankful for each day. thankful for all we do for them as their legal help. they are organized and patient and understanding.

it is as if they have come to different place in order to survive something of this magnitude. they have quit trying to force things to their will because they’ve learned from experience. realized it’s a losing game to try to force permanent change over the temporal. they know first hand that everything goes. anything can happen. they do not grasp for security. they are living new and fresh.

whereas, some of the ones who barely lost a few trees on their property, or maybe a little outbuilding or two or a picnic table or something, well they are completely distressed and upset and they seem to be more angry, more panicked, more needy, more worried about everything going on in the litigation and what’s going to happen and when it’s going to happen and all that they should have coming to them and how is it ever going to be better.

strange to see the contrast with the ones who have been completely wiped out.

went to an estate sale a few weekends ago for a good friend whose close friend and partner and lover had recently passed away. she had taken her own life. left a voice message saying she was called home unexpectedly and had to go. apparently she had been suffering for some time. had only known her from the meditation center, but could say that she looked for and found ecstasy everywhere. loved to chant and sing and dance and learned from and appreciated all sorts of things. she was a whirl of energy and light, always smiling, always beautiful.

knew she was intense, knew she was complex, learned that she was very ill, but did not see this coming until she ended it.

well anyway, she was an artist and a painter and reader of great books and an interesting music collection and had a couple of great juicers and some really beautiful clothes and so there was all of her stuff just spread out on the lawn and the driveway and garage. paintings and CDs and books and books and tools and brushes and bright fabrics and funky furniture and candles and pottery and good kitchen stuff.

and it was amazing. the people who came and stopped by just scooped up her stuff with such love and attention. ooohs and aaahhhhs and sighs and gasps, not your basic garage sale haggling crowd.

her books drew people interested in buddhism and hinduism and sufism and taoism and art and meditation and travel and scared places and architecture and mythology. and the CDs brought in an eclectic bunch of musicians and dabblers in sound and world music. her paintings were stacked up all along the sides of the garage and made all the cars slow down and drive by carefully.

and here was her life stuff accumulation. her cherished goodies all summed up in a pile of belongings displayed on the driveway.

and it was very strange and beautiful.

people asked about her, who she was, what she looked like, where she came from. and as they scooped up her stuff with such love and care and respect. they spoke in quiet soft hushed tones. and sure and true it felt as though she was there, approving and bestowing blessings, giving the last of her things away with delight and abandon, smiling and patting them on their backs as they walked away.

not your average garage sale, but the parting of intimate belongings sifting out into an appreciative world.

originally, had said oh no, you can’t be serious, aren’t just going to garage sale it – all this stuff – no way – but my friend said oh yes you see you see we have to, it is all there is, this is the estate, this is what she has left behind and it has to go, has to go to pay for everything, can’t just sit in storage, she had no family, has to go has to go and this is what we have to do. it seemed so impersonal and harsh and strange and emotional and yet but there it was.

and so all that was left of her just sifted out gloriously into the universe and nothing was wasted, nothing went unwanted, and everyone who came found sweet treasures and rewards.

it was only stuff. just stuff. beautiful special stuff. but stuff, nevertheless. her stuff. intimate stuff.

it was as if she just dissolved into the atmosphere, sparkling particle by particle on a beautiful spring day, glittering in the sunshine, like soft fabric prayer flags flapping in the breeze.

and i think about my job. my oh so hectic job right now of trying to help everybody get their medical bills paid, get their insurance company to cough up what they claim to be there for, help them make things better through compensation, return them to a sense of livelihood and security and still can’t help but think about what it is that we’re striving for.

got to work to pay the mortgage myself, don’t you know. got to feed the cats. trim the trees. stones to make a patio. flowers for the garden. buy presents for mother’s day. books to read. frozen icey chai drinks this summer. health insurance. put gas in the car for the commute, you see.

got to hurry got to scurry got to dash and type and file and drive and scamper all about. answer the phone, call the computer guys, fix the paper jam in the copier, notarize some stuff, call the court, review the records, write the summaries, type up the little charts, make the deadlines.

got to sweat blood for that illusory sense of security, don’t you know. got to be responsible. got to keep going. got to pay my own way.

got to train a new receptionist.

just need to keep it all in perspective.

for this too shall pass.