the pelican

once more with feeling

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a little whine

ok a big fat hairy one. a mega whine. no no not really. just venting, really. yeah that's it. no redeeming quality. just whining, essentially. no meaningful didactic purpose to the story. another day in the law office.

oh the frustration. the rotten knotted stomach twists. the pain in the chest. the cement in the bowels. the crunchy eyebrow folding rippled forehead. the hard solid rock grunt of it all.

that’s what it is today. and it’s been for a few days. maybe a few weeks, really. it’s what it’s all become. to some extent. on the dark side. the flip side. the B side. the grunch side. the i don't really have anything good to say side.

oh been buying into the stress. letting everything else go. taking on too much responsibility. heading for a meltdown. it’s all been pushed too far. right up smack against a wall of deadlines. disclosures. responses. objections. exhibits. depositions.

how far does this go? how much longer can this pace continue? they say litigation paralegal burn-out is seven years. and this is year twelve. maybe thirteen. heck i don’t know.

and in the midst of it, it’s more personnel issues. like, are we ever going to get this deal right? receptionist number three has been pushed through the revolving door today and the new contestant steps up to play. into the fray. once more into the breach. or it that breech?

oh it was just awful. at first it was merely ridiculous. honestly. petty, really. nobody could give me a good reason. she was competent. cheerful. helpful. friendly. clients seemed to like her. everybody seemed to think it was all going to work out. then people just decided that she was "odd." and then they started whispering. picking her apart. comparing oddities. her overly dramatic eye makeup. her strange stories. her long bad canned jokes.

didn’t want to hear it. didn’t want to see it. too busy. big cases going. two settlement conferences to prepare for. two new cases filed. fourteen depositions to schedule. five more doctors to contact. a hearing to set. discovery responses due. initial disclosures.

well she is so weird they kept saying. she is very odd. she looks like betty davis in whatever happened to baby jane. she puts the mail in the wrong basket. she didn’t order the bottled water. she has lots of shoes stored under her desk. she talks through the beeps and keeps putting salesmen through. she doesn’t ever leave the building. she hasn’t stepped outside once at lunch time. doesn’t seem to need fresh air. something just not right about that.

yeah but yeah but heck i saw her reading joseph campbell. and ken wilbur. and she’s just trying to make conversation. be friendly. and she knits little sweaters for teddy bears. and she wears groovy little pins on her jackets. honestly, can’t we give her a chance?

well she is so weird they kept saying. she is so very very odd. she’s been giving sweet M little survival tips for getting lost in the mountains. and M is an elite rock climber. printed out sheets for what she should have in her car. how to be prepared for emergencies. isn't that just too freaky? don't you find that odd? and well she prints out twenty copies of the city roadworks schedule and highlights the bits that say they’re going to be working on our street between the hours of midnight and three a.m. oh and then. then, she brought a freaking box of dolly madison freaking zingers to work. zingers. not even real chocolate. and they have beef fat in them for gods sake.

well whatever i say. she answered the phone and emptied the dishwasher and made the coffee and worked with the summer kids on the archiving project and ordered the groceries. and heck, isn’t she just trying to be friendly? so she’s odd. so she's trying to mother M a bit. so what?

but then there was the time when a settlement judge and our co-counsel were discussing some details out in the foyer and she starts to insert herself into their private conversation, and tells them that they should keep wadded up bits of newspaper and plastic bags under the seats of their cars in case of snowstorm and it’s the middle of June and what the heck is she talking about traction or insulation or well anyhow they told one of the attorneys and that was the final clincher. the determination was made. she went from weird to odd to totally looney toon nuts in about two days and that was it.

and today was just the worst ever. calling up the temp agency. they fire her on the phone and tell her that she needs to leave.

but she stays.

everybody else has gone home early on a Friday afternoon of course, but me, and the runner, and herself. she continues to work out her shift. answering the phone. we tell her it’s ok. we’ve got it covered. she decides to take a long potential client call. doing up a long detailed memo. she stays on. it’s past five. she’s supposed to leave at five. she always leaves at five. heck she's got her purse packed and waiving goodbye at 4:53 on a good day, but today. today she stays. and she types on.

i tell her that i am sorry, that i liked her, that she did a good job but it just didn’t work out. she wants specifics. she wants names. she wants gorey details. i tell her it was a general consensus and i am sorry very sorry that i liked her that she was competent and that i gave the agency a good review and that she could use me as a reference. she asks me to write a letter for her. i told her i would. she stays at her desk and continues to type up the long detailed client memo.

she’s decided it’s a big case. an important case. wrongful death maybe. elder abuse. intentional pain and suffering. all sorts of things. thinks maybe she needs to call one of the attorneys to discuss this with. on a Friday night. at now 5:30. over an hour and a half after she’d been fired by the agency. i tell her i need her parking pass and her front door key. she starts to assemble her stuff. she’s got three huge packed shopping bags full of stuff. and books. piles of books. and a little statue of an angel.

and she doesn’t cry. she doesn’t make a scene. per se. but she doesn’t budge. she continues to sit at her desk. she types some more. the office is dark. the runner wants to go home. the air conditioner for the building shuts down. the weekend has started a couple hours ago for most of the people in the office. she continues to talk about the incoming client call. how distraught they were. how unhappy and frightened. how important the long memo she is preparing is. how critical it could be to the firm. how they need to call the clients back right now.

when did she die? she looks at me blankly. did this just happen? it’s very important. the family is very distraught. yes i said. it all sounds very sad. when did she die? it was a friend of the family who was discussing this with me. wants them to see a lawyer, see. so you weren’t speaking directly to a client then? no, a friend. it was their friend who wants them to get an attorney. well we can’t do that you know, we have to hear from the actual client, not somebody who decides they need help for them. they have to ask for it. we can’t represent anyone without their wishes that we do so. well the family is very distraught. uh huh. so when did this happen? Thursday. yesterday? Thursday a couple weeks ago i think. actually, i think it might have happened in May. and it's now urgent because? well anyhow, thanks so much. i will tell the agency that right up to the very end that you were working and being conscientious and doing a detailed memo for us. she gathers her stuff up. she’s got ten pair of shoes. she’s got three jackets. she’s got a bag of dishes. a box of books. a pile of makeup. she’s only been there four weeks. but i really think we should call somebody now she says. the family was very distraught. she pulls more stuff out of the drawers and she stops and she says oh the memo i should talk to one of the attorneys about this. i really think i should call them. call one of them. let them know right away. no, dear, honestly, it was a Friday afternoon five o’clock attorney shopping call. she says oh but they were very distraught. i ask her if it was referred by somebody. who referred them? oh well it was the family friend who was telling me about this. right. who referred them? well i think it was the family friend. uh huh. well we’ll let the attorneys decide on Monday. thanks so much. you were great. i am very sorry. you take care of yourself. oh i left my turquoise jacket in the back closet. ok.

and we work out the returning of the key situation finally and the parking pass and the runner is going to help her carry the stuff out. and now it’s after six and still she’s fussing about and packing things and pulling things out of drawers. and we wait. and then she pulls out her compact and starts doing her makeup.

thanks again for all your help i say. so sorry this didn’t work out. the runner picks up her bags and holds the door open for her and she hesitates and lingers. she looks around the office and she says take care of yourself. and i say you too. you take care. and thank you. thank you very much. you’ve been a great help here. really.

and i lock the door and turn off the lights and cry.

and it’s been over 90 degrees for several days in a row now.

and i didn’t get the first draft of my initial disclosures of witnesses and exhibits and documentation of damages and it’s due to be filed in the court on Monday and the attorney hasn’t even had a chance to review it and so i am going to be working this weekend.

and my ride is waiting impatiently.

and rolling his eyes.

and i need a ginger altoid.

 

posted by: limine at 22:35 | link | comments (15) |

from here

time

is like an arrow

only

when looking backwards at it

everything

in order

leading

right

up

to

this

very

minute

but

time

is like an explosion

of infinite possibilities

when looking ahead

so many if’s

so many choices

so many conditional moments

some things squirting off

in different directions

moments falling

voices calling

building up

into a cascade

of infinite variables

endlessly looping

and passing

moving

sliding by

but

time

is nothing

only a pause

between breaths

when looking right at it

in the present moment

with this understanding

awake and aware

for a moment

or a second

or as long as

this focus

will last

time

is about then

and when

but right here

now

has nothing

to do

with time

 

 

posted by: limine at 19:44 | link | comments (2) |

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