the pelican

once more with feeling

jury instructions

21:13 REASONABLE GROUNDS FOR BELIEVING AND PROBABLE
CAUSE TO BELIEVE — DEFINED
(A person has reasonable grounds to believe a fact exists) (or) (A person has probable cause to believe a fact exists) if a reasonable person under the same or similar circumstances would believe the fact exists.

posted by: limine at 18:50 | link | comments (3) |

caution: ego(s) at work

oh i need to get to work on a love letter.

took valentine's day off. utterly off. off work, off computer, off diet. off.

on Monday, after working Sunday, i actually managed to get up the nerve to talk to my boss about the situation at work. about how i have a full case load, more cases than the other paralegals in the office, and yet i am also still being office un-manager, office administrator, office grief and flack catcher, whatever. the point is, i was hired to be a full time paralegal. i get paid to be a full-time paralegal. i am the only employee in the joint doing two two jobs in one.

and this happened to me once before. at the very job i worked at before this one.

you'd think i would have learned by now.

but no. they saw me coming.

see, this means that while i have millions of injured unhappy clients calling me on the phone, deadlines going off to keep track of, pleadings to draft, correspondence to send out, exhibits to make, documents to index, trials to prepare for, essentially all that entails being a busy plaintiff's litigation paralegal, i also get to be the person who deals with the copy machines the postage meter the receptionist hire a new runner stand-in at 4:00 for everyone else in the office who disappears while i stay to see it all put to bed help answer phones as necessary listen to angry destructo workers complain about how when a label is stuck in the printer it doesn't work while they bang and smash at it with a newly broken stapler, deal with the building people and the maintenance and the law library ordering and be the personal assistant for the fussy bookkeeper, deposit checks, train the new runner and yank jams out of the copier and read instruction manuals and help files for people while they stand fussing at me in panic that everything on their screen just turned blue because they have a hyperlink in their text, and load some water in the fridge because, well, because nobody's done that, and put kleenex on the list and and and and. yeah.

overwhelmed.

and see the sick thing of it, the really sad low down truth of my pathetic little martyr trip, is that i have mostly been blaming myself for not being able to be all that. be everything for everybody. keep them all happy. do it all. take it all in stride and garnish it all with a hand-cut radish rose.

yeah been really down on my self lately, lazy sloth that i am. heck i could do it all, if i really applied myself. couldn't i?

realistically, it hasn't been easy to admit that this is not working, that i am not coping, it must not continue in this way because somebody's going to put an eye out.

so on Monday i tried to tell my boss. and he avoided me. he knew it was coming. and then, he played tricky lawyer on me. oh very clever he was. i went in to tell him how i was struggling and not coping, and he turned the whole mess back onto me. yeah he said your problem is that you're just too nice. you don't set boundaries. you need to quit letting fussy bookkeeper talk to you for twenty minutes about her trip to central city and her brother's illness and you don't need to talk to M about her cats and their trips to the vet. and i actually sat there and said yeah. you're right. i guess i do let everyone talk to me. but they're my friends and it always happens to me at work that everybody comes to see me. they tell me everything. i have an open door policy because i seem to fill a need. well, he says, your problem is you don't set any boundaries. you let everyone use you for free therapy. and i start to cry and i say yeah i guess you're right. i have chocolate for them in my desk drawer. yeah that's my problem. it's not that i can't physically intellectually psychically emotionally mentally do two stressful jobs simultaneously and balance all the personalities and keep them happy. no. it's all my fault for being such a doormat and social butterfly. yeah he says you have this amazing capacity to expand and do everything and teach them all this stuff you know from your experience but they're sucking you dry. nose to the grindstone see, that's the ticket. boundaries. you need to learn boundaries. be a professional.

and i buy it. bought it. swallowed it. digested it.

only to suffer some serious emotinal projectile vomiting on the way home.

oh yeah. he was right. boundaries are exactly what i thought i was trying to assert in the first place when i went in to tell him i was cracking up under the responsibility of doing two stressful jobs at one time.

and then i got mad.

oh now. now i felt so used. and disillusioned. and suddenly he seemed so disgustingly dishonorable to me. this man i had looked up to and admired. there it was.

he used my saddest weakest doormat self against me and squashed me like a bug.

and i let him.

i mean i had to admit the part i had played in arriving at this point. this destination. this moment in time. this work situation. i had to see this ugly overwhelming desire to please had taken over my entire soul. the low self image, the desire to be everything for everyone and to hate myself for not managing it. i might as well have pasted a sign on by back saying kick me. please. ooops sorry. sorry. you missed. here, let me bend over for you. whoops sorry sorry i think i got in your way there.

and see i just don't martyr well. i really don't. i mean, i start out all virtuous and willing, but i just have no follow-through.

i want off this worn-out rackety merry-go-round of shame and guilt and sweat and blood and wasted energy and tears.

so yeah i took the day off on valentine's day. worked out. had energy to burn. i slammed my poor tired stressed out acid reflux shaking broken tailbone body around that place like a mad gerbil in an infinite maze to nowhere.

and i went to a good friend's house to see her for a bit. she showed me her parents' urns. they've joined some sort of card-carrying cremation society and for a meager thirteen hundred bucks they come and get you, toast you to a crisp and return your ashes to your loved ones with a 48 hour turn around. and so they send her a couple a little wood panel veneer boxes for each one with some kind of cosmetic looking screwtop lid and a big plastic bag to go inside.

oh and a twist tie.

well it's sort of cool i guess i am all for the cremation thing and i do so like the twist tie and i mean i think i am i always say take what you want and burn the rest all neat and clean and tidy that way but please take the organs and what have you first if there's any use to it, put it to it, you know. just can not see pumping my remains full of poisonous chemicals and stuffing it into some plastic and aluminum and no doubt equally poisonous box and putting the whole noxious materialistic concoction into this sweet beloved earth in some glorious final act of sacred pollution.

no sir.

yeah. so i am thinking this society is sorta cool.

and i am thinking about ashes to ashes and dust to dust you know.

and it all comes down to that all or nothing life or death kind of moment. wham.

that second where you glimpse the freedom and you hang for a minute and you think this is all there is this is the now this second this time this life this world this day this second this heartbeat this breath this love this moment this bright shining burning flame of experience.

here we are.

beauty.

and this other stuff, well it's just grief and suffering. and i have been clinging to it all like it's freaking real or something.

what was i thinking?

and then i know that it's time to write a love letter. a love letter to the firm. to all the partners.

i'm going to set me a boundary alright.

then i know that i don't have to do this. take this. give that. be this. this is not me. this is a job. was a job. there are other jobs. maybe i don't even want to be a paralegal anymore. who the heck knows? but i do know that i have been a pretty decent one and a darn fine office administrator and good friend and a loyal employee and i have put a lot of energy into doing what i believed to be good work and i feel pretty good about that, all in all. at the end of day, it's ok.

and i can do other things. go other places. make other friends. i don't have to stay there. nothing is gluing me to this place this usage this dance of the pleasing disease. this is not the be-all and end-all law firm of the universe. heck i don't even get paid what i should for a paralegal with my 13 years of experience, truth be told.

but i wasn't in it for the money. just a livelihood. and to do good work. on the side of the people. injured people.

and i know it was my fault. i know i said here take me take me use me use me i will do it all for you i will run your show and hold your hand and i will help i will help i will be here for you i will do it all i will take on another job i will save you money i will be responsible i will be your doormat i will make you happy please like me please like me please love me please love me please please find me worthy please let me do it all for you let me take care of everything for you.

which isn't all that bad in itself, but it wasn't respected. it wasn't accepted in the manner it was given. it's a business transaction see. it's just business. and such a deal.

and i brought myself to this point out of a lack of self respect, a lack of belief in myself, a desire to please and a need to feel useful and accepted and valuable and essentially, out of a lack of self acceptance.

and so once again my enemy is a great teacher.

and so i took the day off.

and i watched crouching tiger hidden dragon.

and i made a tasty dinner.

and i slept so well. like a baby. like a newborn.

and i have decided that i am going to write a little love letter to the firm. and i am going to fill it with gentle truths and simple boundaries. and i am going to deliver it to all the partners.

but not quite yet. i have some work to do. some things to take of. for the clients. for other attorneys. get one attorney through a two week trial in march. i will not act in anger and create more grief.i will not plot revenge or spread ill-will. i will not leave them in a bad way. i will see what i must through and do my duty and take care of my stuff. i will tidy up. i will take care of things. i will leave it all ready for the next contestant. i will simply do my job and say goodbye when the time is right.

for i am not irreplaceable.

and nothing is permanent.

everything changes.

and there are so many other things to do.

so many.

so scatter my ashes when i am gone, people. scatter ‘em to the wind.


but you can keep the twist tie.

posted by: limine at 23:47 | link | comments (5) |

just passing through

 oh i can't. i can't do it. i can't just get it out. let it out. let it be. let it fly.

everything is all bound up wound up pushed down stuffed below held in held down packed in tucked away put away put those dreams those thoughts away got work to do work to do must keep going have to keep going no time to write no time to write no time to be no time no time no energy and nothing to say.

that's how it is. how it's been. how it is.

oh i try. compose all sorts of stuff in my head. a good line here and nice little phrase there. but it's stopped. short. held. kept back.

it's all leigh's fault, see. yeah. not mine, no. no resposibility of mine whatsoever. have to blame it on somebody else. have to shirk it off. must. not. admit. the problem is mine. no.

see leigh, in one of her many sweet little comments, in one of her wonderful drops of love onto my little bloggy said hey limine, how about putting some of that energy you put into work into writing?

how about it? huh?

well how about it. how about that. what about it. what about it. whatever. what the heck. what's the matter. what's the problem. what about it.

and now nothing comes. nothing flows. nothing matters.

oh i got lots of excuses, let me tell you. oh so many. work, it's been unreal. never mind that i'm really doing two jobs simultaneously. maybe two and a half at times. seriously it's true. full paralegal case load plus office administration stuff plus archive project going with kids to manage plus be personal assistant to fussy bookkeeper plus help out the receptionist like where does it stop new postage machine grief new runner had to fire the old runner couldn't follow the list couldn't stock water or take out the recycling or stick bates' labels on documents i don't know i don't know but i can tell you this, i've got a trial starting next week that's going oh yes it is it's going to trial no chance of settling in fed court and i've got exhibits and stuff and witnesses and stuff and a trial starting early march a two-weeker as well and it's a messy convoluted thing of spurious civil conspiracy and supposed alleged inference with custodial rights and who the heck knows what else but can't really talk about can't really write about it can't really tell you because it's all so confidential you know all must stay within the law firm all not public stuff you know.

i want to tell you so many things. i want to tell you about looking into the heart of what it is to be human. i want to tell you about that point of vulnerability where there is this fragile bridge of imagination that fills in the gaps of the known and the unknown. i want to tell you all about compassion. about faith. about understanding. about perception.

and somebody's flipped the calendars in my office for me i didn't do it don't remember doing it now it's february and my caledars say february but i didn't flip 'em didn't have time you see.

and yeah yeah yeah rusty i know i been tagged. i know i gotta list some stuff out. i do i do. i've stuffed newspapers flown a press been a typesetter and done paste-up worked in an art gallery worked in a bookstore waitressed waitressed waitressed waitressed and 13 or so years of being a paralegal and i like mashed potatoes and sushi and refried beans and hot green chili and thai curry bowls and fresh tomatoes right off the vine on a toasted piece of good bread with a little onion and bit of mayo and i love good gorganzola and french fries and fresh veggie dumplings with nam pric sauce and soft fried ooey gooey drippy yellow yolk eggs with toast and marmite and i watch all three extended dvds of the lord of the rings movies over and over and over i do i have to admit it and i love the black stallion and kenneth branaugh's henry V and gladiator and crouching tiger hidden dragon and have to tell you i just saw the wild parrots of telegraph hill and think it might be one of the greatest movies ever seen and i can probaby recite the entire film of young frankenstien my heart and put the candle back you know he vas my boyfriend and ovaltine and abby normal and you know i just don't know where else i'd rather be i'd rather find some way to really be here now really here here is good i'd rather just be right where i am i think this is ok if i could just really be here now right now like ram das says you know in the present moment that's where i'd rather be.

and i wanna share. i wanna spew. i wanna let it out and let it go.

but i can't. i gotta go. gotta work. gotta run. gotta dash. gotta do phones for the public radio pledge drive gotta make some white bean green chili for the superbowl and gotta go clothes shopping and find something decent to wear to court and make exhibits and highlight deposition excepts in blue and meanwhile need an extension on some discovery responses in two other cases and need to draft an expert disclosure and need to set up some depositions and need to get the house cleaned for some relatives coming from europe going to borrow the car to take it up in the mountains got to take the cat to the vet he's got a scab on his chin that won't go away got to rent an aerator for the lawn still haven't got those toenails trimmed just got to do whatever it is that i got to be besides write you know. have to have to pay the bills have to keep going do the groceries read the labels no wheat no meat no sugar no dairy got to cook some brown rice up ahead of time got to set up an arbitration and order some medical records got to got to got got got to go.

always thought one day i would be a writer. not sure why. just did. wrote my first book when i was 6. about a family of fish. just always thought that's what i'd do what would happen where i'd be i guess i really just don't know how. joseph campbell says follow your bliss follow your bliss follow your bliss my bestest buddy friend she just lost her job just got laid off puts her husband's ice cream business on hold she's got parents in assisted living she's got a mortgage and cats and i do need this job and i do like this job and i'm finally working for good smart trial attorneys who do good work and it's a decent place to work we got a view these are good guys it's not a bad thing.

yet here i am. here i am. just did a letter with some raw data from a neurologist for a head injury case has to go out run around edit edit must use a big envelope can't bend the records and call from an atty in big use of excessive force case with all these attorneys for different officers so difficult to schedule depositions with so many parties no many attorneys breezin through motime really quick read some peachy joe he makes me cry today he opens me up cracked my heart open enough to actually feel something and so i'm dashing this off dashing in and out of motime dashing dashing dashing around you know not supposed to do anything in a hurry not supposed to not supposed to rush hard to be in the present moment when it's a rush i'm good at my job i think i am i try to be i want to be but maybe i need to find some other line of work some other way some way to rearrange my life some way to write some way to be some way to pay the mortgage feed the cats and still have time still have time still have some time to be some way to balance things better shouldn't be so all or nothing.

but there it is. here i am.

and here i go.

posted by: limine at 10:41 | link | comments (12) |

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