the pelican

once more with feeling

here one day

it's hard to remember to look at the difficult stuff.

the stuff avoided. the stuff that might bring up more. connected to other unresolved stuff. confusion. stuff that smacks you right upside the head. stuff linked to more stuff. more and more.

jealousy. anger. depression. violent emotional reactions.

and i mean really look at it.

peel back the layers, past the discomfort and the rationalizations and the justifications and the great sweeping generalizations and into the actual difficult stuff.

the things you might not want to see. to own. at the very least to even acknowledge.

and i don't mean falling into the why's and wherefores.

and not the how's, not the endless chain of reactions that lead up to it.

not the imagined substance of which it appears to have originated, either. not its first cause or its trigger or original scar tissue or history.

and no attempts to gloss it over or fix it or paste a happy face on it either.

but to peer deeply into all the chaos and the pain and the misery for a moment to see it for what it is. to stare right into it and see it.

study it. examine it. look inside.

selfishness. ignorance. fear.

and as the emotions and knee-jerk judgments wash through, look at it again. closer.

there is a kind of vast sweeping universality to it, this fear of things. fear of death. fear of the unknown. fear of all that is uncontrollable. fear of responsibility. fear of interaction. fear of emotions. fear of the mess. fear of pain. fear of suffering.

fear of all that can not be known. fear of variables. fear of what can or can not be done. fear of what the others might think. fear of uncertainty.

just fear.

and there it is.

so what was i so afraid of?

maybe it was a fear of falling? or feeling. maybe it was a fear of freedom.

fear of risks. fear of failure.

fear of recognizing the responsibility. fear of acknowledging the part played.

i mean it was only passion. only an emotional possession. only the rush of feelings in the moment.

it was a dream. an illusion.

some indigestion. a rough choice. a distracted moment. a brief exchange. a bit of drama. a chemical reaction. a movement. a particle. a wave. a string.

it was nothing.

nothing.

and yet in the moment it was all consuming.

remember that? how important. how necessary. how frustrating. how angry. how hurt. how flustered. how lost. how panicked. how afraid. oh i could almost bring it all back. feel it starting up. the endless desire to try to control things. to manipulate it. to change it. to avoid the inevitable. to rewind, start over, edit a few bits out and begin again but this time this time it will be different this time it will all be ok this time it will be with the foreknowledge and the understanding and this time a re-do with all the answers in hand all the variables forseen all the possibilities seen to this time this time this to get it right and this time oh to crave to crave for a second chance a second try oh to crave a second birth.

but why? over this? this is nothing.

the moment passed. it's already happened. and now it's already gone.

and it was nothing. nothing substantial. nothing real.

upon closer inspection, a little time a little space a little space-time and those all consuming emotions eventually simply evaporate.

poof.

gone.

nothing.

it was nothing.

nothing really even worth writing about.

posted by: limine at 22:33 | link | comments (5) |

ok sportsfans . . . so

another post. about football. er i mean soccer. whatever. they call it football. we call it soccer. we who just lost.

for all my whining about the running back and forth and back and forth and one kick two kick red card yellow card . . . i just took off this morning from work to go to a friend's house and watch the USA/Ghana game.

ultimately it was a done deal to begin with because Ghana had the winning energy. could see that right at the beginning where the teams were lined up inside waiting to come out. Ghana was full of bright shining hope and the US looked tense and scared. and it wasn't just that -- it was just the winning energy. can't explain it but have seen it several times and people watching games with me know that if i see the winning energy, they would be unwise to bet against my prediction. of course can only glimpse that in the last few moments before a sporting event. like the broncos in the playoffs or just before the superbowl or just before a world series game or certain other crucial times.

so winning energy spotted and all, still took on this lovely glimmer of hope. this sense of the excitement. the adrenaline. the edge. the very edge of the precipice. the anything could happen feel. the belief in miracles. the moment of possibility.

and, it was fun for a bit. and then a bad call. i hate this losing on a penalty kick thing -- last world cup the irish broke my heart -- played such a great game, more guts more heart more everything than the team they played and then to lose on a penalty kick at the end. this wasn't quite that sad for lots of reasons, but for a brief moment there was hope and there was Dempsey's goal to tie it and it was interesting. oh it was interesting. got to give it that. would have been great if they could have made it into the second round, though. *sigh*

funny thing about sports is that someone always has to lose.

the energy the emotions the highs and the lows and the hopes and the fears and the ups and the downs and the sense of history and the the sense of the moment and need to do the right thing under pressure with everyone watching willing urging things to happen and the need to turn on a dime offense and defense and defense and offense and well.

kind of found myself pretty much taken in by the whole thing again. still am. still going to see the rest of it too, i guess. oh yeah.

just a roller coaster. just a thrill. only a game. only a game.

a show. a dream. a great colorful dance.

yet still i must somehow maintain in all seriousness that i remain first and foremost, a baseball fan. my sense of identity depends upon it. as a fan, one must be true to one's sport. true to one god, one religion, one path, one label, one brand, one name, one definition, one law, one duty, one option, one party, one race, one nationality, one flag, one loyalty, one spouse, one gender, one culture, one side, one side must be on one side or the other, one leader, one church, one family, one tribe, one and only one and there can be no deviation or wishy-washy flip floppy foolishness you must choose wisely choose wisely wit us or agin us there is only one true way one way one decision for luke i am your father . . . .

uh right.

anyway.

i'll actually be cheering for Ghana now and wish them all the best against Brazil et al. oh and Spain. kind of like Spain. and Italy. and Holland. and hope Australia manages to get in . . of course England is going to crumble, even though they take credit for inventing the sport they just have no follow-through, no spirit, no real cohesion, no soul you see, they could but they're dragging they're just kind of scraping through by the skin of their teeth and south korea is so cute they're just plain cute and good and fast and super cute and pink and their fans are in synch and i want them in too . . . oh and if you know the outcome of today's game don't tell me because it's being taped and i don't know yet. but i don't really care about the world cup. no. not me. i'm a baseball fan.

although you know, this only happens once every four years . . .

posted by: limine at 16:12 | link | comments (2) |

certified word count: 951

well you know been going to write a little sort of what i did on my summer vacation in a thousand words or less you know with like little bullet points to highlight the magnificent progress made on the endless yard/patio project. was going to do that but you know it isn't even summer yet.

was going to start with day one and say day one we priced brick and stone and also bought a plastic garden buddha to sit under the tree and day two day two hauled one hundred forty-four twenty-four pound bricks in four forty-eight loads and then built a medium sized tree ring. day three truckload of dirt delivered and built one large flowerbed. day three picked up one hundred ninety-two twenty-four pound bricks in five forty-eight brick loads and well it goes on and on like that for a few days.

oh and did i mention the temperature has been in the mid 90's for most of this project although we got some lovely lovely light rain and minor cool front yesterday and today it is only high 80's but will be back to cooking us alive by tomorrow.

yeah it goes on and on like that until about five hundred bricks later there are a medium small tree ring a medium large garden bed, a large deep tree ring and extra large deep garden bed all filled with dirt and even some plants but still no patio has been built but hey there's a lot of world cup to watch these days and fighting a serious bout of sciatica with a combination stretch and thump therapy with a regular dose of anti-inflammatory assistance and a lot of odwala limeade.

oh and of course on the seventh day we rested. did one of those drives into wyoming to watch the buffalo spirits in the clouds and drive the rolling hills into the snowy mountain range and freeze my fat tourist butt off in shorts in a snowfield with fifty mile an hour wind but oh it was so refreshing and a stop at the junky junk store in centennial to buy an angel pin where they serve drinks in mugs shaped like cowboy boots and sweet potato pie but we actually ate at a gen-u-ine bistro in laramie instead and had curried eggplant with cashews scallions and mango chutney on brown rice in freaking laramie wyoming i kid you not.

and man this world cup stuff is getting a bit tiresome and there's so much more to go. thank the godz they only do this every four years. oh sure it's kind of fun and fast moving and lots of running back and forth and back and forth and yellow cards and red cards and more running back and forth and back forth and a little kicking and a little stomping and a whole lot more running back and forth and back and forth and i sure am glad i am a baseball fan because this is running and kicking and kicking and running well heck isn't it basically the same darn game as hockey only slower and without sticks oh it's ok it's ok i guess i am sort of into it have to admit have to admit am sort of into it wanted poland to win they were playing with so much heart like ireland was in the last world cup have to like that have to be into that and ivory coast man those guys were tight they should be winning more they were really working hard and have it down i guess but good grief everybody knows it's either going to be argentina or brazil to win the thing ultimately ok maybe germany just maybe yeah and maybe spain but it's probably going to be argentina and/or brazil you know so why bother really i have got more bricks to stack and dirt to shovel anyway though that american dude Cole should not have been kicked out on a red card today that was just not right and they will now miss their chance to run back and forth and back and forth because of one seriously odd ref with some sort of anger management issue and you know i really don't quite get the logic behind this offsides business but like i said i am just glad i am a baseball fan.

so quite exhausted and not looking forward to going back to real work on Monday sore backs and cramped muscles and sunburned scalp where my hair parts but the cats are all quite happy because they have had regular outside play time for a solid week and four new interesting dirt and plant filled brick litterboxes to choose from.

so i was going to post some sort of what i did on my summer vacation type thing in a thousand words or less and list out the events with neat little bullet points but i didn't and i am glad i am a baseball fan and i sort of wish i didn't have to go back to the office on Monday and we still don't have a stone patio built and tomorrow is father's day and there will have to be some sort of barbeque proceeding and groceries to be purchased and house to be cleaned up a bit and more world cup more kicking and running and back and forth and back and forth and more kicking and skidding and yellow cards and red cards and the happy little plastic garden buddha is looking quite peaceful in the shade just now and that's how i spent my actually spring not quite summer yet vacation.

posted by: limine at 17:38 | link | comments (3) |

freedom

oh perhaps it is too vast, too steep, too complex to attempt. perhaps it is a sharp and treacherous rock cliff best left unscaled. perhaps it is just all too much to untangle.

these imaginary crystalline bits. composite soul chunks that make up the tiny little nugget of oh-so-all-important singular identity held so dear, so tightly, wound and bound and gripped and grasped at, this bit of primary substance of which one must cling and declare "I" a this and separate.

and where within this hard clump of legends and stories and baggage and history and perceived experience that define and refine and create and destroy this sense of identification can be found that place where volition lives?

for there are morals. the substance of belief. a deep gut sense of tradition and what has been taught, handed down, given, scorched into conscience and consciousness branded by a flaming sword of imagined and respected righteousness by definition and DNA to create a reality solid within an apparently frightening unstable and violent world of struggle. a sense of order within the chaos. a solid rail on which to lean. a certain inner raft of knowledge on which to navigate the turbulent seas of the emotional waves of human interaction, conflict, passion, love and war. free will and divine will and the desire to find a home in the wilderness. a place to stand, a sense of purpose, a drive for meaning, a need for metaphor, a reason to believe.

and then there are ethics, the stuff of universality. the clarity of dharma. the ideal of an all-encompassing reality to which we are all a part regardless of the genetic or social or religious or cultural make-up of our ideas. the gut level mind level rational reasoning of intellect and practical experience. honesty in dealings with others. relationship. a sense of justice. to know the good is to do the good said Plato. Aristotle's nous. the practical application of all social and political philosophy. communication. the realm of law. to come to an understanding despite differences. to operate beyond labels and to expect cooperation within a social world for the benefit of all. a pure ideal. the balancing of scales must be done blind. civilization. the collective brotherhood and sisterhood of humanity.

while within the individual, this sense of spirituality and politics and politics and spirituality could not be more enmeshed more intertwined interdependent personal emotional hormonal environmental cultural educational familial chemical social.

and packed together in some form of pattern recognition each individual clutches this bundle of nerves and ideas and hopes and dreams and believes that this is who they are and what they are to do.

so vulnerable. so fragile. so tender. so close to our hearts we grip this sense of identity.

a precarious strength. standing on imagined illusions while taking great leaps of faith in order to justify behavior a thousand ways.

but at the heart, at the center, at the very core is this sense of a desire to understand. to know. to connect. to love. to be. to experience.

and herein lies the mystery. the greatest of all sweet truths and rumors.

for some must see God as outside and above, looking down in judgment, bestowing meaning with retribution, reward and punishment. and some must see God as inside and within to be realized and understood over time through great trials and tribulations. and some must not see a God or have a sense of anything greater than the immediate empirical perceived awe and wonder, the miracle of life. and some must see many Gods in many forms, flowing through infinite incarnations and manifestations. and some must see beauty and truth. and some must see glory. some must know answers and some must always be allowed to ask questions.

socially, we live in world constructed of ideas.

while we as imagined individuals, are essentially composed of constructed ideas ourselves.

still we would choose to believe we exist. we would think and conclude that therefore we are. our existence precedes our essence. primary substance. form and matter. life and death. here and there. self and other.

chopping wood and carrying water.

each one is a hermit, each one is an artist. each one a magician, and each one a star.

for beyond the labels, the religion, the family, behind the education and the experience and the baggage and the scars, below the surface, the package, the genes, the chemical body, above the concepts and ideas and values, there is choice.

there is always choice.

because the rest is all just information.

variables. parts of the equation. organic chemistry.

information that forms the bases of opinions, judgments, conclusions and actions.

only information.

information that can be brought into awareness or ignored and denied. information that can be felt and tasted or dismissed and discarded. information that is given substance only by intention and a choice of focus. information that is determined by attachment to it.

information that is neither true nor false, p nor q, black nor white.

and that's all well and good but then what to do oh what to do?

what to say? who to be?

what is to be done with all this information?

oh well yes, there is that.

there is that.

there is always that.

for that is up to you.

posted by: limine at 15:38 | link | comments (9) |

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