the pelican

once more with feeling

time

kant said it was a form of inner intuition.

consciousness of the ephemera.

time shifts with perception. age. awareness. focus.

practically stops altogether when watching the breath.

movement. the forward push. the growth towards the light. the
struggles upward and onward.

time spent. used. traded. experienced. chosen. endured.

time cards. time slots. time shares.

making time. taking time.

more time more time must have more time more time.

time greed.

can it really be wasted?

is any part of life ever truly wasted?

how precious and brief. see how it sparkles. this moment. this shared communication.

aristotle thought all the senses were about touch. forms of touch. even seeing. things observed are touched. perhaps at a quantum level? how the particles shift when observed. these attempts to reach out and perceive the environment. to touch the air. maybe why sometimes there is feeling of being observed. a feeling. a touch. a  connection made.

memories stored. attempts to grasp time. to hold on to it. to gather it together. to  point to it as thought something was really there. to say on this day something happened and it was then and it shall be remembered and this is the date the time the day the information learned the experience shared the moment passed. something to point to.

when i got the phone call. the last time i saw you. the last communication.

last time. last time i saw you. last time i saw you, you waved as you drove past me on your way heading west towards the mountains. last time i saw you, you were already dead. the message waiting for me on the answering machine.

memory seems to be just so much accumulation. storage of information. information about time. time baggage.

what we did. where we were. what we learned.

a year ago. a year ago. a year ago.

got the job three years ago. been four years now since he died. five years ago we had to make the decision. seven years since i tried to run away. ten years in a house. sixteen years of marriage. twenty two years  ago she was born. twenty five years since we buried dad.

she sits in the nursing home and looks out the window. she talks about death. she has directions for the funeral. she says the end is near. the time is coming. never thought i'd live this long. oh the indignity of it. how the body fails. how everything disintegrates. time was she says. time was. time was different then. oh how hard we worked. the things we did. the decisions we made. the people we knew. how busy we were. running around. and now the end is near. the time has come. she says she won't be going home this time. she needs help with her pajamas. she talks of all who have already died. she wonders if they'll put an announcement in the newspaper. will everyone say was she still alive? how'd she make it that far?

and always remember the longer you live, the sooner you'll bloody well die.

and is it worth it? what to do with all this nostalgia? this returning to storage this sifting through boxes searching for pictures gathering the past fuzzy reflections morphing with each retelling constantly changing in relation to the current perspective.

can i love without grasping? remember without pain? reflect without judging? cherish  experience be in the moment consciously and still learn from the past and plan for the future? oh honestly.

and these memories these fragments these keepsakes these bits and pieces can be  dusty and forgotten and stuffed away or taken out and admired and reviewed.  polished regularly.

still there is no real touching of the past. it is beyond the senses.

oh yeah it feels like i can see it. smell the cinnamon. taste the chocolate. feel the  fabric of your shirt. look here how the moment is frozen in a photograph. burned. sealed. etched. printed. there it is. materialized. crystalized. in color. there it is. it's right there. right here. in the picture.

the fear. the uncertainty. the desire for more time.

the end is near. the end. the finality of it all. birth and life and age and death.

oh to yearn to desire to stretch and strain and wish and long and plan and the regrets the regrets the regrets the loss the limit the limit the amount the end the suffering  the suffering oh the desires the grains of sand in the hourglass the ticking the endless ticking and tocking and the alarms and the accomplishments and the love shared and the paper trail and the time is up the moment has come close the curtains the lights come up and voila.

trying to lean back as far as possible and yet still this is now. mind travels yet goes nowhere. imagination creates the destination, and it's a different ride every time to  arrive at the latest recreation.

but in the awareness of the touch in the moment in the touch to touch to make contact with the present the senses are of the moment. the now. to see to feel to hear to smell to taste to reach out to perceive to live to will to be present.

to perceive is to communicate with the present moment. to touch the edge of life. to see infinity in an instant. to know. to be.

and to forgive.

offering it up and letting go and sitting still.

catch and release. breathe in and out. goodbye and hello.

glub dub glub dub.

i will hold you in my heart. i will hold you in my heart. i will hold you. i would hold you. i did hold you once. i held you. and you are gone. i hold you now. there there i've got you i've got you i've got you.

and you're gone.

once upon a time.

posted by: limine at 08:16 | link | comments (7) |

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