the pelican

once more with feeling

trial

where to begin?

the ending was a wash. damages awarded to our client, but negligence apportioned 50-50. perhaps a bit saddened by our jury though in truth i can not blame them. for it is a product of the all-pervading cynicism in our current culture. denotes a lack of compassion. the practice of assuming the worst in people. to fear each other. mistrust. little faith in their fellow man, and little faith in the judicial system.

we worked so hard. oh how much time and effort went into it, how much was in contention, how we practically had to teach the other side how to prepare for trial and practice law, how to do a trial management order, how to read the court rules, how to properly calculate for deadlines, how to exchange exhibits and when.

of course the judge made some critical errors that will make for a good appeal, if that route is chosen. she also added some humor and excitement when she threw a little temper tantrum. actually, quite a substantial one. she’s the judge and she gets to throw tantrums if she so desires and none of us had ever seen anything like it before. she made quite the scene. and it was something to behold.

and so i guess at some level i’m still arguing. weighing it all. analyzing what happened.

but it’s happened and acceptance is necessary for the time being in order to go forth.

it’s that bit about the fruits of labor. that we have a right to our work. all that we do and how well we do it. but we do not have a right to the results.

and nothing brings that in focus like litigation.

always a gamble. so many factors that can not be ascertained in advance. so many possibilities. chemical reactions. prejudices. underlying issues. complications.

so much work so much effort so much analysis so much background so much paper so many pleadings so many arguments so many deadlines so much correspondence so much investigation and discovery and depositions and records and indexing of documents.

if you only understood law from sitting on a jury or maybe from watching lawyers on tv, you could never understand. if you’ve ever been involved in a lawsuit, not a fun thing, you get a glimmer of it. but you don’t see the actual work and the tedium on tv. the long long stressful hours. those courtroom drama television attorneys man they get a case and they’re just right in to court and the drama soars and wham bam sparks fly and amazing things happen like magic. they don’t show you the one or two or three or four years of work leading up to that moment in court that more often than not, never even happens. they don’t show you why after fifteen years of being a litigation paralegal and working on literally thousands of cases, i have only been to court about a dozen or so times. how much work you do in preparation for a trial that never comes. how so very very little actually gets that far.

still, when i decided to become a paralegal, it was clear that the only way to go for me was litigation. still seem to me to be the real attorneys, in a sense. the ones with cajones. the ones that interpreted the law. artists and theatre performers with brilliant analysis as well as verbal and writing skills. yeah. still have that preference perhaps.

it has been the drama, the trauma, the high adrenalin conflict mania of litigation for me. i wanted to see how arguments and disputes were understood and mediated i wanted to see the inner workings of the actual practice of law. i wanted to witness the crucible of the courtroom. i wanted to watch how the truth would emerge through discovery and analysis.

and so i guess i could say that i’ve seen it all, in some sense. from environmental litigation and then to labor law and worker’s compensation to divorce and custody disputes to medical malpractice to personal injury to business litigation and estate litigation and real estate litigation and patent infringement and intellectual property litigation to civil rights litigation and legal malpractice. worked for both sides of it, plaintiffs and defense. my heart is clearly on the side of the human being, rather than the insurance company or the giant corporation. i like working for the injured party. the party seeking assistance. the ones in need of intervention, law and order, rather than the side with the money and power and attorneys to try to skate around it.

and so.

and so we went to court last week and we did not win. the insurance company did. and of course the jury doesn’t know or even understand that. they are not allowed to, as that would be considered prejudicial for them to know. imagine that.

and i was a bit surprised that as i drove back to the office after the verdict that i broke down in sobs and gasps and gulps.

but it was just the exhale.

the release of all that has been held-in in the months working up to this. it was the dropping of the hyper-vigilant guard. the tension. the long nights and weekends and deadlines and organization and exhibits and details details details and subpoenas and scheduling of witnesses and phone calls and jury instructions and the pressure and the build-up and the complete consumption of focus and worry and all the other deadlines and things going off in other cases, all the daily work that has to get pushed aside a bit, that has to be done in advance, the things that might slip through the cracks, that drive you insane. and truly it was not even that big of a case.

and it is the pantyhose and the indigestion and the parking situation and the getting through the metal detectors and the lines and the crowds and the media there for a high profile criminal case going on at the courthouse and the loading of the boxes and boxes of documents on the wheelies and trundling everything back and forth and the demonstrative brain in a box and the giant posterboard exhibits and doing all this under extreme pressure and keeping up appearances and being there to comfort and calm the client and tell her she’s going to be ok and retrieving witnesses and getting home late at night and checking email at ten only to discover a deadline was missed in another case and everybody’s wound up and scrambling and this undercurrent of panic and the thin veneer of competence and calm awareness pasted over the top is starting to show throw and then and then and then the moment of truth and the jury.

the jury is a toss-up.

probably close to hung, actually, since it took them a very long time to deliberate. and so it was that negligence was determined 50-50. split. divided. a stand-off. culminating in a giant zero in which no one wins and everybody but the insurance company looses. kind of speaks of the whole nation, perhaps, the microcosm within the macrocosm that is the great gaping divide in which we currently find ourselves.

and the judge. we maintain. we prepare. but the judge she throws foaming tantrums and abuses the attorneys and anyone present to endure her wrath over basically nothing. jury instructions are always a bit of an issue, and this case was less complex and had fewer instructions than any other case i’ve ever worked on. probably whatever it was she really had her knickers in a twist about we’ll never know.

and now i feel wobbly in the body. weak in the knees. i’ve slept for two days almost solidly and planning on some more. still can’t quite make a fist. feeling hollow. dehydrated. wiped out.

and the house is dirty. we need groceries. laundry. the cats want attention. the husband is sick of take-out tacos and chinese food. the garden needs attention. there is spring cleaning to be done.

and though it was quite the experience as it always is, it was the build-up, the lead-in to this trial that seemed to be trying to tell me something. it was becoming more and more clear to me that maybe i really need to find another line of work. i kept thinking that i just don’t know if i have the reserves within me to do this again. i had funerals to attend and people to take care of and animals to be seen to and i was wondering if it was all really worth it. if maybe i haven’t learned about all there is for me to learn from this experience and maybe isn’t time to move on and get on with life. real life.

i don’t know.

now that it’s over, i’m almost ready to go back to it. in fact, i’m kind of looking forward to the possibility of the appeal. i care about what happens next. i’m thinking about another trial that may be coming up this summer that should be quite interesting. i like the work that we do, what we stand for, the people we represent and the people i work with. i want to do a good job for them. i want to see some of the other cases play out. i like feeling that we make a difference. that we help people. that for the most part, things are resolved amicably. that conflicts rise and fall and return to rest. that law is symbolic of our honor, our intentions, our civil agreement, a framework for understanding and cooperation and mediation and communication.

i just want to learn how to manage the stress and the workload more efficiently. to conserve energy when possible and be able to have it in reserve for when it is necessary. need more balance. more practice. more patience. more compassion. i want to be able to roll with it better. i want to learn to be more zen about all this. i want to learn from this experience.

perhaps the judge just acted out in her tantrum what i had been feeling. and i do wonder what it would be like to work in a different environment. less emotionally charged. less demanding. less stressful. less pressure. less at stake. less contention. less struggle.


maybe i don’t want to feel like i’m giving up. maybe i want to believe that all this experience is worth something. maybe i’m addicted to the adrenalin. to samsara. to the endless cyclic struggle.

maybe i’m just afraid doing anything else would be boring.

maybe.

but get this. i’ve just received notice that i’ve been called up for jury duty.

have to appear at the same court in two weeks.

cosmic joke? justice or karma?

you be the judge.

posted by: limine at 13:53 | link | comments (9) |

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